The day had finally come. It had been inevitable. The human race was eventually going to reach this point, and there would be no turning back. It was the day that the butthurt reached its peak and the consequences that would come. The day the ass felt no more.
It started out as a normal day. Jerry awoke at 7am, brushed his teeth, put on his clothes, ate breakfast, ready to go to work. But before he left his apartment and went forth into the streets of Washington D.C., breaking news flashed on his television screen. There were pictures of some sort of object. It was right in front of the White House, right on the lawn! As Jerry inspected the images that flashed on his television, he thought to himself, that this thing on t.v. looked awfully like something straight out of a science fiction movie. Like, a flying saucer. No fucking way.
“Yes fucking way,” the news reporter announced, “I know you were thinking it, and it appears some sort of alien spacecraft has landed on the front lawn of the White House.”
“Well, he’s not wrong.” muttered Jerry.
The newscaster continued, “The army is setting up around this mysterious ship. President Trump has been briefed on the situation as he remains safe in the White House. We do not know much at this time, but we will be covering the story as it unfolds. In other news, nobody can feel their ass anymore…”
“Damn, this is crazy!” exclaimed Jerry, “Welp, off to work!” Jerry proceeded to leave, and went to work.
It was 5pm and Jerry was back home from work. He plopped himself down on his couch, put his hands in his pants, and switched on the television.
“The military and police are still on the search for the mysterious alien.”
“Oh yeah, this is happening.” said Jerry.
The newscaster continued, “The alien looks and talks just like one of us. We advise everyone to stay indoors. If you see him, please call the police. We will now show you again what happened earlier this morning. Also, everyone’s ass? Still nothing.”
“Huh, I guess that’s why there wasn’t much traffic today, what do ya know?” said Jerry.
Jerry watched as the events earlier today unfolded on his t.v. screen. The t.v. showed the UFO sitting on the front lawn of the White House. The police and national guard had set up a perimeter around the alien object. Then, the vessel moved. What appeared to be a ramp descended from the side of the UFO. At the top of the ramp stood what appeared to be, a person.
“What a… is that… Keanu Reeves?” said Jerry.
But as the mysterious person walked down the chrome ramp, it in fact, was not Keanu Reeves.
“Oh thank god,” muttered Jerry with relief in his voice.
As the mysterious person continued descending the ramp, an even bigger figure appeared from within the spaceship. But this time, it was no person. The figure was hulking, standing well over any normal human. It was bulky with long arms that had pincers at the end. It walked on huge legs with big boots on the ground. Its head was round with a sort of visor in the middle. The monster was comprised of what seemed to be a greyish-green metal.
“A robot,” said Jerry, “Cool.”
Just then, as the mysterious person reached the bottom of the ramp, the police and national guard surrounding the spacecraft opened fire. The person who had come from the ship looked stunned at first, then bolted the fuck away.
“Damn.” said Jerry, “That guy’s pretty fast.”
But again, just then, all of a sudden, the shooting stopped. The guns, weaponry, and artillery of the police and national guard forces started to rise up into the air. After a few seconds, it all came crashing down. A light that had come on in the middle of the robot’s visor turned dark as well.
“That was weird.” said Jerry.
Jerry’s door flung open. A man came running in.
“Please, can someone help me here?” said the man quite frantically.
“Hey man, I think you got the wrong apartment.” said Jerry.
The man stopped in the living room, looking on edge. He whipped his head around and looked at Jerry, still sitting on the couch with his hands down his pants.
“Dude, like, this is my apartment and…” said Jerry.
“Please, can you help me?” said the man to Jerry, a little slower than before. Jerry didn’t move, hoping the man would just go away. “Do you not know who I am? Does your planet not have ways to communicate information to its denizens? You would think the arrival of your first extra-terrestrials would be more of an…event”
As the man spoke, Jerry began to think. This man seemed familiar. Like he knew him from somewhere.
“Do I know you from somewhere?” said Jerry. The man looked around, and saw the television. He looked back at Jerry, pointing at the t.v. screen. The news station was displaying a close up of the mysterious man from the UFO.
“…Hey, oh shit, you’re the guy from the thing!” said Jerry with a little more enthusiasm than normal. The mysterious man stared at Jerry with a look of disbelief.
“Yes, I am the guy from the, thing.” said the mysterious man, dumbfounded. “My name is Keantwo. I come as an ambassador from the Alliance of Planets bearing grave news for your people. Your planet has been infected with a disease. A disease the rest of the galaxy cannot allow to fester and spread.” Jerry scratched his nuts.
Keantwo continued, “Butthurt. Butthurt has grown out of control on your planet, it has spread like a plague and it cannot be allowed to fester any longer. Your planet always had much butthurt. The humans of Earth have always gotten so upset at the most objectively stupid things. Like, its honestly unbelievable how stupid. You all have your own opinions, your own sides, your own parties that create narratives or pick facts that best supports your own beliefs. And if someone hears something they don’t agree with or offends them even in the slightest way, well, then the butthurt grows. And it has grown out of control. It must be stopped, or your world will be destroyed as a precaution.”
“Huh, I always thought “butthurt” was just a word edgy tweens used on the internet. Whadayaknow?” said Jerry.
Keantwo ignored Jerry’s response and continued, “I have come to Earth to warn your people about your impending collective doom, but I have also come to save you! Yes, the Earth can still be saved! We can alleviate the butthurt! But I need your help, uhh…”
“I’m Jerry,” said Jerry, “And you need my help?”
“Yes Jerry. Though it literally pains me to say this, I need your help. When I was fleeing from your military forces after they TRIED TO KILL ME! (Though I probably shouldn’t complain too much, since I did just show up from outer space when your planet has had no contact with extra-terrestrials yet)… Anyway, when I was fleeing, I checked my Butthurt Detector to make sure the readings that we took off-planet matched. And, to my shock, they were even higher. Butthurt is growing at an exponential rate. But, on my radar, I found a blimp of non-butthurt. Someone or something immune to the disease. And that has led me here, to, you,” finished Keantwo, with a slight droop as Jerry scratched his nuts again.
“So what do you want me to do?” asked Jerry.
“We need to get back to my ship. If we are going to save Earth from butthurt, we first need to stop its destruction by him.”
“Ok. We can take my car,” said Jerry, “I guess you don’t have to pitch in some gas money since you were shot at today and that probably sucked but it would be nice.”
“Let’s just go quickly, we can decide on such matters later.” assured Keantwo.
“Alright, my car is out front of the building,” said Jerry, leading Keantwo. Jerry meandered down to his car with Keantwo urgently following behind. The two got into the car and Jerry drove off towards the White House.
The two unlikely companions drove towards the White House. Jerry liked to go about five to ten miles per hour over the speed limit, but no more. They waited at a stoplight.
“Can we not get around these people? Our mission is very urgent.” Keantwo said with a hurried voice.
“No man, it’s a red light. Duh.” said Jerry, rolling his eyes.
“Fine, then let me tell you what you need to know now.” said Keantwo with an urgency that Jerry just didn’t seem to get. Jerry farted. “We must get back to where my ship landed because we must stop him. If we do not stop him soon, our chance to save your planet will be gone for good. Like fighting fire with fire, he will soon destroy your planet with his Butth-” The light had turned green, and the flow of traffic had allowed Jerry to drive forward. But, as Keantwo talked, a tractor trailer barreled into their car. An absurd coincidence, I know.
Jerry was dazed by the impact, but came to quickly. He looked over to see if his passenger was ok, but he was not in his seat. He looked out of the shattered windshield and saw the body of Keantwo laying on the asphalt.
“Damn,” muttered Jerry. He got out of the car and ran over to Keantwo.
“I’m so *cough* sorry,” said the truck driver, opening his door, beginning to crawl out, “I just- I just can’t feel my ass, it hurt so much after I looked at social media, but now- now I can’t feel anyth-” The truck driver let out another bloody cough and fell to the ground.
“Hey, buddy, you ok,” said Jerry as he knelt beside Keantwo, “Thought we had to go to the White House or something?”
“Jerry, come, closer,” said Keantwo weakly, Jerry inched in a bit. “Jerry, you must go to where my ship landed. You must stop him. You must tell him these three words.”
“These three words?” said Jerry. “That’s it? Ok.”
“What?” asked Keantwo, then realizing what Jerry thought, “Oh god, your species is doomed.” And Keantwo died.
“I guess I have to save the world then. Fun.” said Jerry. He commandeered a nearby bicycle and rode off towards the White House. “I can stop the butthurt. I can stop him from destroying the world. I can stop President Trump.”
Jerry finally arrived at the site where Keantwo’s ship had touched down. The national guard had set up a perimeter around the White House and the ship. Jerry tried to get through the perimeter, but he was blocked by a guard.
“I cannot let you through sir, this zone is off limits.” instructed the guard.
“Please, I have to get through! It’s a matter of life and death! For everyone! I think!” said Jerry.
“Alright,” said the guard, letting Jerry through, “That’s good enough for me. This story is taking too long anyway.”
Jerry rushed past the guards. He ran towards the White House. He knew what he had to do. He had to stop Trump. But, out of the corner of his eye, he saw the robot that came to Earth with Keantwo walking aboard the spacecraft. Jerry looked at the White House, then looked at the robot, looked back at the White House, then ran off onto the spacecraft. Oh god no.
Jerry ran up the metallic ramp of the ship from outer space. Inside the ship was a large, circular room. The walls were lined with various machines, computers, and other futuristic looking things. In the middle of the room was a big cylinder-like machine of sorts. The robot stood next to it.
Jerry ran up to the robot, looking it up and down. A wave of awe was upon his face. “Damn, you’re so cooooool.” said Jerry.
“Thank you,” said the robot, “I am very cool. I am here to cleanse this world. Where is Keantwo?”
“Keantwo?” asked Jerry, “Who- oh yeah, right, that guy. Keantwo is gone! It is up to us to stop Trump. To stop the Butthurt!”
“You misunderstand,” said the robot methodically, turning towards Jerry, “I am the Butthurt.”
“Wait, what? I feel like this is bad?” asked Jerry.
Oh god no. The cleansing had begun.