Neo-Nazis Love Hitler

There once was a fellow named George. George appeared to be your average man. He went to work, paid his bills, went to church, was a social person. Yada yada yada. But what was most important to George, what really made him tick, was the thought of race war. The extermination of the Jews and brown people. George… was a Neo-Nazi.

Above all else, his family, his work, his longing for ethnic-cleansing, George loved Hitler. Adolf Hitler. The hero of old. The prophet of a racially pure world. The warmonger of Nazi Germany. Hitler was the center of George’s life. He had a shrine of the dead Austrian in his home. George even prayed to Hitler. Hitler was his god.

And George loved his god. He had to protect Hitler from those that would attack his great dead leader. He had to protect Hitler from the most vile, treacherous, evil people. The people who, I can barely write it now, wished to poke a little fun at Adolf Hitler. I know, unbelievable! What kind of MONSTER, what sort of disturbing heathen would satirize Adolf Hitler! George could not stand to live in a world with these people. People who did not agree with him; people who made fun of his dead, funny-mustached, racial-purity prophet, Hitler.

But they did. Movies made fun of Hitler. Hitler was satirized in articles. His image was besmirched, sometimes even used in ironic anime imagery. The horror indeed! George could not handle such an affront to his glorious leader, an affront to his beliefs and way of life. Jokes were just too much. Something had to be done.

It was not enough to just let people express their opinions and not get all uppity when someone makes a joke. No, action had to be taken against these terrible people who partook in satire. These heretical jokesters had to be killed; they had to be brutally murdered. That is the only way to get other people to be reasonable and respectful of your beliefs. To commit violence acts upon them. George could not deduce any other course of action, it was so obvious. He could not use rational thinking, having a sense of humor, or just not being a giant dick as potential solutions. No, George knew they had to die. Because his feelings were hurt.

George knew that the time to act was now. Coincidentally, he lived in a city where a local magazine had just run a satirical article on his beloved Hitler, and had included those detestable anime images of Hitler too. Karl Weekly was the name of the magazine in which that most vile article was ran. A hive of villainy and deplorables. And the place where those evil jokesters would meet their doom. George would make sure of that.

*

The dawn of a new day. A day that would soon be red. George slipped on his whitey-tighties, threw on his favorite Swastika t-shirt, put on some pants, and left for his important mission. He did not even have time to watch Fox News. He got in his truck, made sure he had everything he needed in his backpack, and then drove to the offices of Karl Weekly. He pulled into a parking spot, and gazed upward, thinking about his glorious Aryan leader. The time for vengeance was now. He pulled his assault rifle out of his bag and felt the cool metal in his hands. Thank the Fuhrer for the NRA.

George left his truck and strolled up to the office of Karl Weekly. He opened the door, and walked straight in. They were so unaware, so naive of the incredible justice about to be served. Hitler would not be mocked. George’s feelings would not be hurt. “Heil Hitler!” George shouted, as he opened fire.

*

“Did you hear about what happened at that comic magazine Karl Weekly’s office earlier today?” asked Smitty to his friend as they ate lunch.

“No, why, what happened?” replied Steve.

“Really? You didn’t hear? There was a terrorist attack!” said Smitty, “A gunman attacked the office of Karl Weekly. He killed like 10 people and injured even more!”

“Oh shit! Why the hell would somebody do that? That’s terrible.” said Steve, shocked.

“Apparently, he was some Neo-Nazi and he didn’t like the satirical images of Hitler in their magazine. Something about anime.” replied Smitty.

“Man, that really sucks. Why do some people take themselves and their beliefs so seriously?” said Steve.

“Right? It’s like these people think they got everything figured out and there’s no way they could be wrong. It’s hubris and just plain stupid.” replied Smitty.

“Hmm, you know, are Neo-Nazis the only people like that?”

“Of course not.” said Smitty, “Of course not…”

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